Sunday, 28 October 2007
It's been a while. It's been quite a while. Life happens, it moves and sometimes it gets busy. I find that with all of my school work and work at the church it is hard to keep up with everything including blogging. The past 2 weeks have been mid-terms so basically my life was school, study, bed.....keep on repeating that. Tomorrow I have a psychology test, which I really should be studying for....I have already studied but I need to study more. It feels like from now until Christmas break it is just non-stop tests and assignments....guess I am venting, I should stop, but isn't that part of the need to blog. I have a lot on my mind tonight.....most of which is not anything to do with psychology. I have been in school for almost 2 full months now, I like the program for the most part and I know I am in the right place, sometimes I wish that I could fast forward time so I have the knowledge and skills without having to do the whole school thing. I am not a huge school person. It helps though that I am studying something that has a greater purpose in my life. I have met some pretty cool people as well.
About 3 weeks ago I had a day surgery on my back....that was kinda tough for about a week. I have a pretty cool scar on my back though. This Friday I have to have my wisdom teeth taken out. I am pretty nervous. I have to be put to sleep for about an hour. Did I mention how nervous I am.....I am having major anxiety. It doesn't help that I have to miss a couple days of school including an exam. I am really big on not missing class so this just messes with my mind. Pray for me please.
A couple of weeks ago I went to a Jeremy Camp concert and a band named Mainstay was there as well. It was amazing. It was such an encouragement to me. One thing that was so cool for me was to see that there are christian guys out there who are actually passionate about their faith. I feel like I am surrounded with people who just don't care. I meet so many Christians who say one thing and do another. I sometimes wonder if there are any genuine people out there. I wonder if there are specifically genuine guys. Not the ones who are drunk on Saturday night and at church on Sunday morning. Sometimes when I think about it, it gets me down. Maybe it's because I seem to live in an area where there are not a lot of people my age, maybe that has something to do with it.
Do you ever wonder where you will be in 5 or 10 years? I do. I think about it a lot. Will I have a job that I love? Will I be in Wainfleet for the rest of my life? If not, where will I be? Will I ever meet the man of my dreams, is he out there? Will I make a new life somewhere? I am one of the those people who is really close to my family, so there is this part of me that wants to have adventures and new things and wants to dream that maybe there is a life that I will have someday that will be different from now and there is this other part of me that can't imagine being away from my family, that can't imagine being away from my church and the places that I know and have come to love. What happens to those desires? I wonder if I will someday need to force myself to do something new because if I stay then I will be playing it safe and I will miss out. I don't know. I try and take it one day at a time and trust that God will lead. It's my humaness that seems to get in the way. I think about the what ifs, I get lost in my dreams and all of the things that I hope for. What will happen if I dare to open up the deepest places in my soul to Jesus? I know I'm in the right place right now. That is so clear for me. Still I think about the future. I hope and wish and dream and pray. I want to have a life full of purpose and live it passionately. I wanna be in the best place. However, sometimes the best place involves change. What will this mean? I don't know.
Perhaps it's the twenty-somethings that have unleashed these new thoughts and feelings in me. Suddenly my future is not some distant thing, it's here, it's now. I need to move my feet but I need the Lord to show me where to walk. Suddenly I almost feel different, older, maybe, wiser, maybe, a new zest for adventure.....um.....maybe......a new take on faith.....maybe......the desire to treat boys nicely.....lol.....yes......the need, not want....need for a new pair of black heels to go with my jeans....YES!!!! What is it like to not live with your parents? I mean I lived away from my family for a year but I was only 18....just a youngster....lol! Right now I think I would miss them.....a lot. What will happen, how will I change....I don't know. Will people come into my life that will make me and think....I don't know? It just seems to be the time of my life where I am thinking about all these new things as a reality instead of something far off in the distance. When you are a little girl you dream that life is like the fairy tale....one day prince charming will come and sweep you away, one day someone will look at you with those eyes and that heart and you'll just melt.....so is it wrong for me to keep holding out for a piece of that fairy tale? I don't know? I think that everyone's life needs just a little fairy tale of some sort. So I guess I'll keep trusting God and praying that he will lead me as I take these steps in my twenties. It really is fantastic, even with all of the I don't knows and uncertainties I still love it. So tonight I choose to keep hoping for a piece of the fairy tale to come one day.....maybe my prince charming is out there, maybe he'll steal my heart, maybe I'll move somewhere, maybe I won't.....maybe I'll do really well on that psych test....so I probably should continue studying and stop rambling on with these fanciful thoughts. However, every once and a while it's nice to just sit and write all of the thoughts in my head and heart that seem so stupid and unrealistic but meaningful in this moment. So here are my thoughts tonight, written out, just cause tonight I needed to release.
Anyways back to reality.....any thoughts on the psychology of sensation and perception....lol?
Sweet Dreams for all you dreamers,
The Kindred Spirit