Despite All, I Am Seen By God....

I suppose you think that I am slacking on my writing. I am. I'm sorry for those who actually take the time to read the random thoughts of my life. This summer has been the craziest summer and I feel like it is almost a blur. This past weekend I was at a young adults conference in PA called 'The Call'. I have to say I had great expectations of this conference. I guess I hoped to leave feeling encouraged and inspired in my faith. I left feeling discouraged and somewhat confused. I have taken the past few days to mull over in my mind just what didn't sit right with me about it all. I guess I should explain a few things to begin with. There were some great parts of the weekend. I really enjoyed meeting with other brothers and sisters in Christ from around the BIC and it was great being able to spend time meeting new people and being blessed by them. Over the past few weeks I have been struggling with some issues. Deeper than the average 20 year old. Issues with how the world works, with justice, with God's sovereignty. To most of my questions there really are no solid answers. Many people have theories and personal convictions but those things all fall in their exegesis and I am left to hear what they say and figure out my own. Somewhere in my mind I went into this weekend desiring for God to just remind me that even though I am struggling with these things it's ok. There is much emphasis in the Christian faith put on the "feelings" of the faith. People come out of an amazing retreat, or concert or conference with an emotional high and for the next week or two or maybe even a month are excited and passionate for God and after that time they feel discouraged because the feeling is gone and therefore the Lord is too. I am an emotional person. I feel things deeply. However, I want my faith to be more. I want to be able to love God and trust him without the feelings. I have prayed this in the past. Clearly the Lord is honoring that prayer. I went into a weekend full of the "emotional" emphasis. I looked around me and saw the Lord working in people's lives and from what I saw He seemed to be speaking to many people. I didn't feel that emotional high. I wasn't experiencing "The Call". So for the weekend I made myself believe that God must be angry with me for struggling and therefore he must not be speaking to me. It's rather silly now that I think about it. I came home, sat on my bed with my mom and cried because from the depths of my heart I felt so unloved and overlooked because I wasn't experiencing God the way I was led to believe I should be. Now after a few days of process and wise counsel I have come to a few new conclusions. First of all I serve a God who is huge and able to meet with people in different ways. I would never want to say that because I struggled with some of the stuff happening that God wasn't working. I believe that God was at work in many hearts in many different ways. I am now reminded that God is just as real to me without all of those feelings. Feelings come and go like the wind, I want something deeper. Something that leaves a mark on my very soul, something whose roots go down deep. I am sure that someday I will go to another event and maybe I will "feel" God in another way. I am also reminded that when we are walking with the Lord and seeking him, we are already in his will and he doesn't always need to get our attention in a big way because he already has it. I don't think I really agree with the idea of "The Call" either. It makes it sound like there is one call, if they are talking about following Jesus then I agree but if they are talking about life then I disagree. I think life is a journey, we grow and change and make mistakes and fall and get back up again. As we change often the things we are called to or our circumstances change as well. Life would be boring if there was only one call. I guess the weekend has taught me more than I thought it did. I was reminded of what my faith shouldn't be rooted in, my feelings. I was reminded of my heart for the people living their everyday lives to know Jesus. I was left energized to continue my work in children's ministry. I met some wonderful new friends and now would really like to learn Spanish so I can speak with my Latin friends. I got to see my friend Freddie Colloca and his band lead worship, which was awesome. I suppose that is the wonderful thing about process, you are able to look at something for what it's worth, take the good and leave the bad. Anyways I would like to encourage you if you are reading this today that you are so deeply loved by God, no matter how you experience him. He sees you and does not overlook you. In Zephania it talks about how the Lord sings over you.....I love singing, even though I make a joyful noise, and it gives me great joy, I imagine it gives the Lord great joy was well. I also want to encourage you in whatever you are doing. You don't have to be a missionary overseas to be doing the Lord' most important work, maybe you are a teacher paying special attention to the kid everyone picks on, maybe you work with youth who are dirt poor, maybe you are an eye doctor or a janitor or maybe you are a writer or a singer or an actor or maybe you're a mom or dad and you love God and want to serve him....those are all jobs that when from the Lord are a most high calling. The Lord sees you wherever you are and he thinks you are wonderful. Remember that today.

Blessings,
The Kindred Spirit