You know those nights where you just need to write it out......all that stuff in your mind, on your heart and stuffed anywhere else.....the stuff that might just come pouring out if you let it? Tonight seems like one of those nights. I am leaving in 1 day for Christian Horizons so I am trying to do a million things to get ready. I am trying to fit all of my stuff into 1 suitcase and a small tub.....you'd think after YouthBuilders I may be better at this.....perhaps I am just out of practice. I got directions tonight.....mapped out my route.....it's a bit more complicated than I thought. I was sitting at the dinner table with my Dad going over the directions, he kept saying 'just let me show you on the map', I kept saying 'let me write it out first, then show me on the map because I can't read the map while I am driving unless I pull over and I don't want to pull over on the 401'......at one point I became a total girl and almost started crying because I am really tired and a tad bit stressed! I really appreciate my Dad for sticking it out......he's a great guy! I cleaned and washed my rav this weekend. I vacuumed and dusted it.....hmmmm that sounds like I'm cleaning a house.....anyways I put that stuff on the dash.....it makes it shine, I can't remember what it's called. I am too poor to afford a car wash so I got a bucket of water and filled it with dish soap, got a rag and scrubbed him. He looked beautiful afterwards, however Diana informed me that I should have 'shimmied him'. Hopefully together, the Rav and I, can make it safely to camp and back!
I have been speaking to the girls at youth for the month of may. Tomorrow night will be our finale of the series. We have been talking about not settling and what that means and looks like. When we settle in who we are, in not really loving who God made us, then it affects everything. We have been exploring some of the lies that we believe and how we put up walls and live in our lies and we don't let any truth get in. We've been looking at the truth of Psalm 139......5 thoughts......I am Seen, I am Knit-Together, I am Complex, I am Blessed and God Thinks About Me. It's been really challenging for me as I have been working through my preparation. On our last Tuesday together we specifically looked at the words complex and blessed. I feel really passionate about this idea of being blessed. Pslam 139 tells us that we are blessed but I believe this word is not a simple one. In 1 Corinthians 12:4-7 it talks about the different gifts that each of us have from God. The crucial part comes in verse 7 where it says that we were given these gifts for the common good, which means when we are not true to how God made us then essentially other people miss out. We were given gifts for the good of other people! So when we choose to settle to not use them then other people miss out. When I think about my life and all of the times that I have been blessed through other people I am overwhelmed. It those people would have chosen to not be true to how God made them than I would have missed out or suffered. We also talked about this idea of 'burying our gifts'. If you look at all the needs in this world and look at all the people with untapped blessing and gifts, you realize that there are some people who are burying some things! It was a great reminder and challenge for me.....perhaps it was for some of the girls as well. You don't want to BURY IT!!!!
Tomorrow night we are wrapping things up with looking at this idea of God thinking about us and how settling in who we are effects all of life.....specifically our relationships with our friends, our family, with boys and in our dreams. I feel a bit scatter brained at the moment so I pray that the Lord would just give me the ideas He wants to communicate and the frame of mind to do it in.
Last weekend was Pitch and Praise in Paris, Ontario. I had a great time, I was thoroughly exhausted afterwards but who isn't after Pitch?!? The speakers were awesome this year, the bands were great. Pillar was there this year.....I must say I love Pillar and it was their best show that I have ever been to.....they sang Smiling Down, which is one of my favourite songs. Amanda Falk was there too.....not as many people had heard about her but my brother Greg and I love her and were super stoked when we heard she was gonna be at Pitch. She sang a song and the words have stayed with me.....'I'd rather be far from anywhere with you than anywhere without you'. I love this thought. I want this to be truth for me.
Last night the girls and I had our last hang-out before I leave. Diana and I were planning on going to a worship night at a church we had never been to before but when we got there we found out it was just for youth....lol! So we decided to drive to the other side of St. Kitts to go to another church but we got there at like the closing of the service......I really think that there needs to be like a 9:00pm worship service for young adults somewhere! Anyways we decided to go to Starbucks and I wanted to go to a beach somewhere so we headed to The Beacon......a very fancy restaurant with a beautiful marina behind it. We watched the sun set and walked on the rocks and took some beautiful pics. It was such a good time.....it was our own worship time! Then we headed to the Zuidersma house to see Vick and took some fun pics with her. I was reminded last night of how blessed I am to have the best friends ever! I love them.....they bring so much joy, laughter and love to my life. Diana is leaving for Haiti in September and I don't want to think about how much I will miss her but I am so thankful to be able to do life with such amazing women of God!
This probably seems like the most random blog ever.....sorry......my thoughts are so scattered tonight.
Last thought.......today we had staff meeting....we watched one of the newest Nooma's by Rob Bell, it's called Open. It's all about prayer. It's a deep one and watching it somehow takes you to those deep places, sometimes the ones we're afraid to go. I ask a lot of questions, always have, I think I sometimes drive my parents nuts. I want to have answers to my questions. I like to get things, know why things happen the way they do. This sometimes becomes a really big stumbling block for me in my relationship with God because there are some questions that just do not have answers. My mind is too small and God is too big. It seems that the more I get to know God the less I know! It's difficult for me to trust sometimes because trusting involves saying I trust you even though you might act in a way that I don't get and that doesn't make sense to my human mind. I guess it's my point of surrender. It's one thing to say God is good when you seem to understand everything but it's another to say it even when things are cloudy. I don't want to be the type of person the sways when things get hard, I want to love God even if I don't get it all. Rob Bell talked about this idea of prayer not just changing things but prayer changing you.......this connectedness with God and with other people that prayer brings, it can change us. That's the reassuring thing.....even if I don't get it all, I am still connected with God, my heart is still his, nothing can take that away. In retrospect the things that seem so big in my life are probably just a blip on the screen, but God is still in it with me.
I am not in this alone, no matter how far away I may go.
This week I just have to make it to Paisley!